I am a food addict.
I knew this before, but it wasn’t until the last few months that it started to sink in just how much I struggle with it every single day. Like all addicts, my addiction is something that rules my thoughts and many of my behaviors. I constantly focus on what I’m eating, whether it be concentrating on eating healthy or feeling guilty for loving a good (and probably unhealthy) meal. Some obsess over shopping, exercise, drugs, gambling or Facebook… and I am no different with food.
Most people like food so big deal, right? For me, it kinda is. My relationship with food is more than mere sustenance in that it has been one of emotional comfort and survival for the last 25 years. When I was a kid, I was completely and utterly miserable. My parents were divorced and as a latchkey kid with few friends, I spent many afternoons raiding a well stocked fridge to make myself feel better. That feeling of being full, being content, became hardwired in my brain to equate with happiness. The fuller I was, the less it hurt that girls did not like me. The fuller I was, the less I thought about the reasons why my dad didn’t want to live with us any more. The fuller I was, the happier I was.
I am old enough now to realize the fallacy in this logic. I am confident enough now that I do not have to depend on food to make me feel good. Unfortunately, old habits die hard and no matter how badly I want to move on, I’m not sure I will ever be able to entirely. Addicts never lose their addictions, they just beat them. The fact that I have to eat to survive, and can’t just swear off it, makes mine that much harder (I think). Is this an excuse to be overweight? Absolutely not… but hopefully it provides some context.
I have made many changes in my life to address this issue.
- We do not keep junk food or sugary drinks in the house.
- I do not drink alcoholic beverages during the week.
- I exercise regularly.
- I cook relatively healthy; lean meats, vegetables, no prepared food.
- Weekday breakfast and lunch are 850 calories combined.
- If I snack, it’s on dried fruit or unroasted nuts.
- I rarely eat sweets, including dessert.
The truth is, there are still quite a few things I do because I “don’t want it bad enough.”
- I eat out 2-3 times a week (whether it be lunch or dinner).
- I eat a relatively large dinner, especially compared to Melissa.
- I refuse to give up pasta and generally speaking, eat way too many carbs.
- When I drink alcohol, I drink alcohol.
- I sometimes eat what I want versus what I should (e.g. total pigfest this past weekend).
So yes, I’ve come a long way… but I also have a long way to go. If I could change one thing about me, it would in all likelihood be my relationship with food. I can’t, so I have no other option than to try and make incremental choices that lead me to a more healthy weight. There are far worse problems to have, but this one is mine.