A good bit of my posts in recent months have been updates on life and reviews so I think it’s time for some deep thoughts. The recent weddings presented an opportunity to catch up with some people I hadn’t really seen in earnest for the better part of 10-15 years. Given the combination of weddings and discussions of one’s path in life, the inevitable question about having children came up more than once. I’ve had this conversation with countless people over the last few years but I think it’s time to put my perspective in writing. If anything, I aim to show that it’s not some whimsical choice but rather something I/we have thought about quite a bit.
I think it might be a common misconception that the primary reason we don’t want kids is because we enjoy the DINK lifestyle. Contrary to the jokes we may drop, it’s not about jet-setting across the world, owning two motorcycles or sleeping in on Saturday morning. While it’s true that we enjoy and have grown accustomed to these things, they’re not the real reasons. Put more succinctly, “we can do them because we don’t have kids” and not “we don’t have kids so we can do them”.
“Why make such a big deal about the reasons?” you ask. Let’s review some of the questions/responses we’ve gotten over the years when discussing a) the reasons why we don’t want them yet, if ever and b) the life we lead without them.
- When are you two going to settle down and have kids?
- Well, it must be nice.
- That’s a pretty selfish view.
- All animals want to reproduce, why don’t you.
- That’ll change when you have kids.
I don’t presume to know which perspective is right but if you get the same seemingly accusatory questions over and over, it’s hard not to let them get to you. Perhaps it’s an irrational feeling of persecution or perhaps it’s a society that really does look down on those without children, but there’s definitely a gap in the thinking of the haves and have nots. I recognize I’ll never fully understand them until I have kids but in the mean time, maybe I can help others understand us.
The three main reasons why it’s not currently in our plan include:
- Money – I realize that our household income is well into the six figures and that families of six survive on a quarter of that. The difference is a) we live in one of the more expensive areas of the country, b) we live in a fairly expensive house in that area and c) we decided long ago that Melissa would work part time or out of the house for the first few years. Not having two working adults in the house is luxury these days but it’s something we feel strongly about. I know we could make sacrifices like a smaller house or live farther away from our jobs but it’s just not the life we want. I’m not saying we want to go to Japan every year, just be able to live with the conveniences we’re used to while paying all our usual monthly bills.
- Demons – Ever see Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story? You know how one of the underlying themes is the fear of Bruce Lee passing his demons on to his child? It’s like that. It’s not about the fear of just being a parent or the fear of someone else’s life being my responsibility, it’s about knowing you still have some of your own issues to work out before you pass it on to someone else. Some know I partied way too much my first few years in college (Hi Mom!) and my love/hate relationship with food over the last 20 years isn’t really a secret. Any psychology student could tell you both are a result of poor self image and I’ve just started to become comfortable with who I am in the last few years. I still have a ways to go and I think it’s just not the time to be having a baby.
- Marriage – This is perhaps the biggest reason we don’t have kids yet. In the ridiculously neurotic lifestyle that is middle America, people sometimes forget that marriage is work. They’re so busy with their jobs, shuttling the kids around to all their activities or keeping up with the Joneses, they neglect their marriage. Marriage is and should always be your number one priority. It may take a back seat periodically but so often priorities stay that way and are never refocused on you and your partner being happy. With me starting grad school in a few weeks, there’s just no way we’d be able to have time for everything and not sacrifice our time with each other. Yes, I realize people are married, have kids, jobs, go to grad school and a million other things we aren’t doing, but America is also one of the most heavily medicated societies on the world. Coincidence?
So there you have it folks, the real reasons we’re married without children. Could all this change in a year and a half? Perhaps, but I can’t really say. Had you asked us five years ago we would have said we definitely wanted kids in the next few years. If you ask us now, we’d say we’re not sure we ever want to have them.
Is it time for an alignment?
My view: I want to jump around the world while I can… not when the kids are gone and I can’t keep my shit in (literally).
I’d be lying if I said travel wasn’t at least a secondary reason. I like seeing the world but part of it is lumped in with marriage because it’s “what we do together” and part of it is also because I want to see if I might want to raise a family elsewhere. I love America and “coming home” but the more I travel the more I question a lot of the social standards we have. Traveling lets me see if maybe, just maybe, I’d like to live and raise a family somewhere else.
Unfortunately for women, age and fertility are not the best of friends. Once you hit 30, your body starts trying to make the decision for you (http://www.scrcivf.com/images/age-female-graph.jpg). If you get pregnant at 35, you’re automatically high risk (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/highriskpregnancy.html). But there’s always adoption if you change your mind later! That’s what I tell myself anyways.