This weekend marked another disappointing round of racing for me. I’ve fallen from what appears to be the pinnacle of last year to the mediocraty that is this year. I finished middle of the pack (9th and 10th) so the weekend marked my worst in probably two years. My laptimes are consistently slower than they were at the same event two years ago and I’m no competition for the people I was racing with just last year. I’ve had a lot of mechanical issues this year but when my car has been working, I haven’t performed up to my own expectations.
So what’s the problem? It’s likely that 100% of the issue lies between my ears. Participating in ~75 races and having never won a single race really started to get to me last year. I know what I’m doing wrong and how I need to change it but I just fall back into the same old bad habits when I’m out there. I’m not heel-toeing, I’m braking too early and I’m not keeping my foot down on the gas when I should. When you combine that with the downward spiral that are my results from this year you get a racer who just doesn’t care any more. I wanted to do better, I wanted to win, I wanted to finish just one spot higher but I got sick of being disappointed. Instead I believe I’ve subconsciously adopted the attitude that if I don’t care, I can’t be disappointed.
As you might expect, the worst kind of racer is someone who doesn’t care where they finish. I go through the motions, I do what’s asked of me but there’s no passion. I dread the next race and during the course of the weekend I can’t wait for it to be over. How effective can I be at bettering myself when all I really want is to pack up my stuff and go home? It’s probably a lot like being at a job you can’t stand or in a loveless marriage. You do what’s asked of you but not because you enjoy it but because it’s what you feel is your only option.
So why do I do it? I’ve thought about that long and hard over the last year or so. I’d convinced myself I was going to take the current year off to get away from it all. As the beginning of the season approached, I realized I wasn’t quite ready for a multitude of reasons. The most important reason is probably because this is an activity my dad and I do together. As a child of divorce I found it to be a great way to “catch up” with someone who wasn’t as available as other kids’ dads. Yes, we argue and yes, we annoy each other but I’ve realized that our time together is not unlimited in this world. He raced with his father and seeing how integral a role that played in their realtionship I wanted to leverage racing to build a similar one with my dad. My grandfather never got to see me race but it’s hard not to think I’m responsible for carrying on a tradition started well before my birth. The 944 Cup series exists partially because it faciliated a place for my dad and I to race together and it’s hard to turn my back on that.
As tough as it was, I’ve made a formal decision not to race next year. I’ve informed my dad, a task wrought with guilt, that I need time away to refocus and hopefully renew my passion. He was understanding, albeit a bit disappointed, which stings me more than never winning has. It’s hard for a son to feel he’s disappointed his father but I take solice in knowing that I’m doing what I need to for the long term health of my interest. That doesn’t make it any easier.
So where does that leave me? I plan to take next year to do some Driver’s Education events and perhaps some instructing with the idea that removing the requirement to attend and pressure to perform will make the track enjoyable again. Who knows, maybe participating in a few DEs will actually allow me to work on the things I’m doing wrong technically. I’ll still be running the website for the series so I won’t be entirely detached but it won’t be the same. When it’s time for everyone to suit up to hit grid and I’m not one of them, I’m sure I’ll feel it. Hopefully I’m making the right decision and won’t find myself regretting a year lost.
Too bad you’re not free from racing at the end of July when you could knock skydiving off your lifelist with me!
That reminds me… need to tweak that one a bit. Although I have finished in 8 different positions in 8 different races this year with the only I haven’t gotten in the top 10 being 1st and 2nd. That weekend is at my best track, one I almost won last year, so hopefully I’ll be crossing something else off my list.
Hrm… Interesting… Definitely the right decision, but where to go from here?
DE is a clear answer, but where? I think you would definitely benefit from having someone in the passenger’s seat, but would you yourself feel comfortable in HPDE2 while your fellow racers are out there pulling hot laps?
Maybe sell the 944 altogether and buy something more streetable to track so you don’t feel quite as much like you’re doing the wrong thing? I think the whole “do it yourself” thing is the part that you might be missing. Right now, you’re basically functioning as a hired driver… You don’t have to do any transporting, any maintenance, whatever… For me, that’s half the enjoyment. Knowing that I’ve turned probably every bolt on the car, knowing that the little camber change I put in at 11pm the Friday before the event had x effect.
I vote sell the 944, buy something cheap, reliable, and relatively stock to track, enter HPDE2 for a few events, move to HPDE3, but still have an instructor your first session or two. There is only so much you can teach yourself before laps just become laps and laps.